independence

from an early age, i was taught to be independent. apart from the usual stuff - being able to do things, take care of things, etc - my mother wanted me to be independent from men, meaning she wanted to make sure that i'd be able to support myself come what may and not have to rely on a man. that way, she thought, nothing would ever go wrong. and yet, i wish she'd perhaps moderated things a bit, because the end result is that i have trouble accepting help, especially if i don't really need it. and this has reached all areas of my life, and, i've come to realise, also includes my relationship with men.

recently, i've been thinking about this a lot, and i've been making an effort to accept help when offered and try to let go of the feeling that i'm being weak when i do. i just don't want people to think i'm taking advantage of them. and this sometimes goes a bit far: there was once a guy that i liked, and while there are many reasons for which nothing ever happened between us, there was also the fact that i didn't want him to think i was only going out with him so that i didn't have to go and find myself a flat (he was letting me stay at his place until i found one). he probably wouldn't have thought this in any case, but there you go.

i'm pretty happy with the idea that what goes around comes around eventually, if not from the people you originally gave to. however, it's hard for me not to think i'll owe people something afterward, although i know perfectly well that most people (me included) are perfectly happy helping out and don't need anything in return - case in point, i did not need my friend to buy me lots of presents because i'd put her up when her parents threw her out of the house.

old habits diie hard. nevertheless, i really would love to have someone take care of me for a change, to depend on someone. now, the question is, can i change enough?

Armagnac-tasting

on the market yesterday, we bumped into an artist friend of my father's, who said her 'gallery' was now open. so we went to have a look. little did i know that it was coupled with a shop selling Armagnac, the local spirit. before i had time to process any of this, my father had already explained i wanted to buy a bottle. despite not liking it much (and saying so), i was then treated to a tasting session.

i felt incredibly silly, warming up the alcohol with my hands while the guy selling it (who turned out to be the artist's son) was telling us all about his life in the area, what he did, etc. i don't know if it was the alcohol, or the fact that my father told him we knew his parents that changed him, but he suddenly smiled a lot more. and that's when it hit me that this was the guy my father had wanted me to meet over the Christmas holidays, thinking it would be a good match (to my father, the fact that i live 800kms away is a mere detail). annoying as it was, i had to admit (although not out loud) that he was very charming. in the meantime, my father was, i think, trying to impress the guy with a story that didn't make much sense. i could see the look of relief on the guy's face as i pointed this out (the lack of sense), as he'd obviously been trying to figure out what the connection was.

it was a nice chat while it lasted, but i'm guessing i probably won't be seeing him again between now and my departure. he may only live a couple of miles out, but he has a shop to run and i can't see myself just dropping in on him while he's at work... but as i've already decided i'm now assuming every guy i meet is taken, it doesn't really matter anyway, does it?

typical!

i've been looking for another job since last September. i've been applying for quite a few positions lately, but getting no answers (or rather, getting negative answers 4 months later). and then, typically, i got two messages from people who wanted to meet me... the day before i went on holiday. i managed to get at least one of them to agree to meet me when we both come back from holidays (that's nearly a month down the line!), and i'm still waiting to hear from the other guy to know if a phone interview will do...

retour de flamme?

my colleague has been at me for a couple of weeks, insisting that i should seriously consider going out with our old colleague, the one i'd developed a slight crush on a few weeks back. it was weird that she said that, because it reflected what i'd noticed too, namely that we got on really well. however, i'd kind of dropped the idea - first because i'm really good at deciding it's not going to work (which incidentally means i'm safe from more possible disappointment), and then because our local politician came on the scene.

as it so happens, we were the only two people at lunch the other day, as the girls couldn't make it. and it was nice. we talked non-stop, and although i feel i probably talked a lot, i think he probably had his fair share. then, near the end of the meal, he leaned over to pick something out of my hair (we were on a terrace and there was some wind); and then i wondered why i'd decided not to go for it. after all, we do have all these things in common, and he is nice, and funny.

but i'll have to deal with that after my holiday. i won't see him for another 3 weeks, and so many things can happen between now and then...

afianced!

i'd just walked off the bus and i was nearing the school when i bumped into my lovely colleague. she looked at me and said, 'i have bad news, you're not going to be happy, but you know, he's engaged.' she'd found out through Facebook, as she'd found his profile and invited him to be friends, which he'd obviously accepted and thus she got his full status, including 'engaged'.

bad, bad start to the day. i know it's stupid, but i'd somehow managed to believe my friend A. when she told me he might actually be available. that's it. from now on, i'll assume every single guy i'm attracted to is unavailable. that'll make my life much simpler.

i am 12

i finally got a window of opportunity to talk to the guy. while my colleague left to take her class to have a drink at the coffee shop so she could spend some time looking at the guy while he was there with his class having a drink, i recovered the use of my legs after he'd looked at me, and re-entered the lobby. he was standing reading a paper while they seemed to be waiting for something.

he had his back turned to me, but this was my shot, so up i went and said hello. well, no, i didn't. what i said was 'so, you're our local politician'. he looked up, smiled, and said yes, he was. and then we had a completely inane chat with neither of us able to make much sense. in any other situation, i would have been able to ask him lots of questions about what it's like, etc, but i couldn't think of anything to say once i'd said it was unusual to have a politician in school, nor could he muster anything beyond 'do you like teaching?'. it was pathetic. i could see we were going to lose momentum and say even stupider things, so i wished him a nice coffee break and left.

i gave it a minute or so and went back to the lobby, thinking he and his classmates would be gone, but they were still there. i saw this as a chance to make up for my completely idiotic first try and went up to him to ask him why they hadn't left yet. he said they seemed to be waiting for someone. i then suggested that they go ahead and whoever it was could make it there in his/her own time - they did always go to the same place, did they not? as i was saying this, i saw his teacher and i thought, this is ridiculous, they're just going to stand there waiting for ages for a person who i knew had already left. so i basically told her what i'd told him and they decided to go to the coffee shop. my colleague then asked me if i would come along too, but as my break was nearly over, i had to decline (typical!). on his way out, he touched my arm and said thank you. the way he said it, you'd have thought i'd solved a major crisis or something...

later, as the end of class drew near, i'm ashamed to say i sat myself in a prime position so as to be able to start a whole new chat if it was possible. as i was waiting for his class to finish, my colleague (the one who took her class to the coffee shop to see the guy) came up to me and smiled knowingly. i told her i'd managed to talk to him and i was giving her all the details when he came out. he came up to us and started to say goodbye. he explained that it was his last lesson and shook our hands while i became twelve again and said 'that's not cool!'. yeah. really smooth... anyway, he continued by saying he hoped to see us again, and that maybe he'd need to take French lessons (uh... you speak fluent French mate) or other lessons (i'm guessing he meant English?). and that was it. pathetic. i can't believe we're both 32 and yet we basically both acted like teenagers.

un-be-lievable

the student with the gorgeous smile, the one who's bound to be the meanest of horrible men in real life, turns out to be a local politician! yep. not only that, he's the president of the green party. yep. the one party i'd vote for if i was allowed to vote anywhere.

arghhh... this is terrible. i'm not gonna be able to think of anything else, now... damn it!

i need a wife...

was the title of the email i received from a friend yesterday. i thought it was a chain joke or something, but he was serious. kind of. he has been invited to a cocktail party at his consulate and needs someone to go with him. and i thought, why not? i only get to dress up really nicely for weddings and i have a couple of dresses i never get to wear...

oh my! 2

yesterday i made an effort to avoid looking at the gorgeous student. and i did really well. so much so that when he took a step back to make sure he said goodbye to me, i completely ignored him. oh so stupid! still, i felt mildly proud at having resisted temptation. luckily, today, he talked to us! it was short and everything, and put him back on a more normal level, but i spent the rest of the afternoon in a happy place.

oh my!

last week, one of my colleagues told me there was an 'absolutely gorgeous' guy in the German class. personally, i hadn't noticed, but she assured me i should have a look at him, and a little later, i got to. i felt a little silly, as i realised that my colleague was positioned in the best possible way to see him come out of his class and it's not really my thing, making it obvious i'm looking at someone. from the very short glance i got of him, yeah, he was all right. after a few days, i realised 'all right' did not cover it. yes, he was gorgeous. and then this morning...

this morning, he smiled at me. well, he also did the other days, but today i was actually looking at him when he did so, as opposed to being in the middle of something else and pretending not to care. and let me tell you that when this guy smiles at you, your legs wobble (and until today, i really thought that was just a figure of speech) and you completely forget what you were thinking/doing, and you feel like a complete idiot for about 10 mns thereafter as you walk around with a silly grin on your face - just cos he smiled at you. nevertheless, you can't stop yourself from looking at him: to my great shame, i have to admit i then made sure i'd be sitting in a prime spot to be able to see him leave the school a little later, and my heart just skipped a beat when he didn't fail to say goodbye.

this is such complete idiocy. i mean, for all we know, he's the meanest guy in town, has no morals, cheats on his girlfriend (lucky, lucky girl! - being his girlfriend, i mean) and god know what other horrible things he's into. or at least, that's what i'm trying to convince myself of. it can't be good for my mental health going around hoping to catch a glimpse of him... and i'm so not about to imitate my boss (she's 52, he's about 30), who apparently went up to him and introduced herself: 'hi, i'm x, i'm the manager of the school. i have a few questions i'd like to ask you.' poor guy. all the girls must stare at him everywhere he goes. i can't be fun. well, i'm sure it's nice some of the time, but i know i feel really uncomfortable when people make it too obvious they think i look nice, like a student i had who basically stared at me throughout our 1.5-hour lesson...in full view of the 5 other students. it was just a bit too much.

Prince Caspian

there was a moment in the movie that is every girl's dream: when Susan is in trouble, about to get killed by the enemy, Caspian arrives on a horse to save her. the knight in shining armour... it obviously couldn't happen today, cos let's face it, we're way past wearing armour on a daily basis. and owning horses.

i'm an incurable romantic. you probably wouldn't think so if you met me, cos i tend to be incredibly down-to-earth and not really fussy about every day stuff. but still. and so, on the way home, i remembered the most romantic moment of my life.

i was walking down the street when i heard someone call my name. it was the young man i'd just said my goodbyes to, as we took opposite ways home. he came up to me and asked if i wanted to have dinner. i was a bit surprised but said yes. he said something on the lines of 'wasn't that just a corny movie moment' and whilst it technically was, it was also very nice. the type of moment you don't think will ever happen to you.

we went off in search of a restaurant - not easy in a business district - and found a little Italian tucked away on a tiny side street, with space enough for maybe 10 customers. we had a very nice meal and laughed all the way through it, reminiscing. i remember thinking it was a shame he was already taken. incidentally, he looked like 'the boy next door', probably every mother's idea of the perfect son-in-law.

when it came to paying, we decided to split the bill, but when the owner came back with the change, my dinner companion insisted i should keep it. having been brought up to be independent (maybe too much so, but i'm doing my best to tone it down...), i wanted him to take half of it. we basically argued all the way out on the street. at one point he'd obviously had enough and he made to kiss me to shut me up - only he realised just in time what he was doing and didn't and tried to hide the movement by hugging me instead. in the meantime, i was speechless and ended up keeping the change.

it was funny how the next day, he spent all his time mentioning his girlfriend every time he could. i knew how he felt about her and i'd never dreamed of bringing up the incident. it was just a momentary lapse of concentration. and that was it. my perfect movie moment.

attracted?

one of my old colleagues split up with his long-time live-in girlfriend about 5 months ago. i found this out last month, when he came to a lunch that was organised for another colleague who was leaving. and it's funny, cos i'd never looked at him as a potential boyfriend, knowing he was not available. but now that he was...

that particular lunch, i spent most of my time flirting with him. easy enough as we were the 2 non-smokers and thus sitting next to each other. also, we both studied archaeology, he's interested in Asia and used to be a language teacher, so we have lots in common.

i have since seen him a few times, twice this week, and we should be having lunch again next week. but in the meantime, i'm wondering. yes, he's nice. we get along, i find him reasonably attractive and funny. and since thursday evening, i believe he might be interested, too (then again, i could be completely wrong...). if we do something about it, it could develop into a nice little relationship. but i know that it will not be 'it'.

now, i know that's not technically important, because with my track record, i'm not sure i'll ever find 'it' again. i know i should go for it anyway because i deserve to have someone nice and have a good time, but i can't help thinking about the last time i thought that, namely at the beginning of the year with Aussie boy, which, when i think about it now, was quite disastrous. now, i know this guy a lot better than i did Aussie boy, plus we have lots in common. but when i compare, for example, i'm less attracted to him than i was to the nice guy at the big spring party. which i know means nothing cos i barely know that guy and we might be as ill-suited as my last stint in dating-world. but still.

i know. i think too much. always have, always will. need to let go and enjoy myself. that'll be my new mantra...

what a day

...this has been, what a great mood i'm in, it's almost like being in love!

well, not really, but it sounded good. it was a great day. after a morning of work, i had an impromptu lunch with 3 colleagues (well, 2 of them don't work with us anymore, but still) in a really nice little Italian which served us huge portions (my pasta could have fed 3!). it was a hot (32 degrees) and sunny day, so after that i took the little ferry to the other side of the lake. it's so nice to be on a boat when it's hot. i did a spot of shopping and then back to my side to the little beach for some swimming. the lake water was 22 degrees, nice and very refreshing. when i got home, felt like going back into the water so i actually considered going to the pool as well, but it kind of felt like it'd be too much so instead i went home and cooled myself down with some homemade ice tea.

what a great, great day!