independence

from an early age, i was taught to be independent. apart from the usual stuff - being able to do things, take care of things, etc - my mother wanted me to be independent from men, meaning she wanted to make sure that i'd be able to support myself come what may and not have to rely on a man. that way, she thought, nothing would ever go wrong. and yet, i wish she'd perhaps moderated things a bit, because the end result is that i have trouble accepting help, especially if i don't really need it. and this has reached all areas of my life, and, i've come to realise, also includes my relationship with men.

recently, i've been thinking about this a lot, and i've been making an effort to accept help when offered and try to let go of the feeling that i'm being weak when i do. i just don't want people to think i'm taking advantage of them. and this sometimes goes a bit far: there was once a guy that i liked, and while there are many reasons for which nothing ever happened between us, there was also the fact that i didn't want him to think i was only going out with him so that i didn't have to go and find myself a flat (he was letting me stay at his place until i found one). he probably wouldn't have thought this in any case, but there you go.

i'm pretty happy with the idea that what goes around comes around eventually, if not from the people you originally gave to. however, it's hard for me not to think i'll owe people something afterward, although i know perfectly well that most people (me included) are perfectly happy helping out and don't need anything in return - case in point, i did not need my friend to buy me lots of presents because i'd put her up when her parents threw her out of the house.

old habits diie hard. nevertheless, i really would love to have someone take care of me for a change, to depend on someone. now, the question is, can i change enough?