not of this reality

i often think that i wasn't born in the right reality. in many ways, living in the 50's would probably have suited me better. in terms of 'morals' and behaviour, i mean. in those days, the rules were pretty clear. when you committed to something, you committed. today, a commitment seems to have as much strength as a cloud of smoke, both in the personal and professional spheres. my sister says i'm just too considerate toward other people and should let go a little. probably.

anyway, it's just that i seem to be living life on a different level than most people. that's the best way i can describe it. i'm not a big fan of going out all the time, for example. i'd much rather stay at home, or have dinner with friends. put me in a room with more than 30 people and i'll feel uncomfortable. when i go out, i'm more interested in talking to my friends than meeting new people. i have nothing against meeting new people, and do so regularly, but one or two at the time is more than enough. most people these days seem to be social butterflies, who go from group to group and talk about nothing and don't really make friends. they meet people. personally, i don't see the point.

also, i don't like to make a fuss, although i know i should say what's on my mind more often, if only to let other people know when i think they've gone too far. this came up a few years ago, and i think i tried for a while, but in the end it always seem to bring up unpleasant conversations and in the end, i generally felt worse for having spoken my mind than i'd have felt if i'd just acquiesed. most of the time, though, i don't say anything because i respect people's right to have a different opinion than mine, which is funny cos sometimes, they don't respect my decisions. so i've gone the other way now, and avoid telling people certain things. which in turn obviously means i don't say a lot about myself anymore. this is, however, also because i often feel i'd be imposing on someone, telling them what's going on. so i know that outside of work (where i'm like an actress, but that's just what it is - an act) i generally come across as quite secretive. which i'm not. in fact, most people would tell you that i'm very approachable and talk a lot. it's just that i keep the important stuff to myself. healthy or unhealthy? nowadays, people tell everyone everything. and let's face it, i have this blog, on which i've written more stuff about myself than i'd care to tell most people. but there you go. as one of my friends once said, i'm a riddle trapped inside an enigma. he was probably right. and that's probably where the problem lies.