what it means

i know this sounds weird, but although it was becoming obvious my grandmother would die, i actually kept thinking she wouldn't. you see, for some reason i have always believed that she wouldn't die before my wedding. i know it sounds crazy. i was really, really convinced that she would live until she'd seen me married. this belief was strengthened when my mother died. so although my aunt kept saying she was dying, and even hearing it from my father (my aunt has proven, through the last few months, that she was generally pessimistic about my grandmother's condition) the other day, i couldn't shake this idea.

now, technically, i've been thinking for a while now that i wouldn't actually get married, so it really shouldn't matter either way. but somehow, this seems to really hammer it in, like i don't even have a choice anymore. i know this is completely illogical, but there you go.