which is better?

seeing or not seeing one of your parents die?

i was about 10,000 km away when my mother died. i called her nearly every day those last 6 weeks. well, i called home. she wasn't always in the mood for talking, depending on whether it was treatment day or not. but she'd listen to me talk about my life, trying not to sound worried about her cos i knew she didn't want me to be. in the last few days she was so upbeat i nearly forgot she was sick. which made her death even more unexpected. i couldn't understand why a friend of the family was telling me my father didn't want me to do anything rash, like fly home, when she'd been talking about having a party for all the people who were working on her experimental treatment. she didn't even like parties.

my sister, who was there, tells me it was horrible. seeing my mother become thinner and thinner. seeing her throw tantrums because she did not want to eat. she was not hungry and she was not a child. she could make her own decisions and she'd decided not to eat. why couldn't everyone just leave her alone? in the last few days, she was mostly delirious. talking about boats. and on her last night, she said goodbye. she actually did. my father and my sister thought it was the delirium. turns out she knew more than she was letting on. but she never said goodbye to me. she didn't want to talk on the phone that day, and as i didn't want to push her, i didn't actually say goodbye to her either. in fact, i wasn't really talking to her. i was just talking. i thought things were getting better.

my sister is 'glad' that i didn't see my mother in her last state. she says it's good i was spared. i believe she wishes she hadn't seen her that way. i wish i had. isn't it ironic?